| farewell! |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|08:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hungover to death. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | allman brothers. | ] |
emptyhanded is no more! however, the nonsense will continue at
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) swansongpapers
find me! add me if you loved me before!
</span> |
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| choking and smoking. |
[Sep. 2nd, 2005|03:13 pm] |
trying very hard to avoid getting sentimental about this mess. that sort of thing I thought was reserved for old men, reminiscing of the land that used to be. certainly not for people like me. you know, never once did it cross my mind that this could ever happen. everything is gone, the people, the land, the smells, the sounds, all of it. now it's all an unmistakable shade of diseased flood water. this was my home. this was where i was moving back to next summer. and all i can do is empty my pockets, call people on the phone, and try to convince my sisters that while God is good, it doesn't matter now. it's time for people, but they are killing each other, our empty-head president is smug as usual, my family says they see no sign of federal aid, the only help coming in is from people and businesses. the government sends more guns, less food.
papa told me the most horrific things that he's seen. they don't show it on the news. faced with starvation and hopelessness, sometimes people would rather just die, so that's what they do. infront of other people. people who made the city i know as home.
i don't expect you to understand this, or even ask me how i feel. the only people who know how to talk to me about it are my family and friends from New Orleans. please don't complain to me that gas prices are soaring, people are dead. donate that money you would spend at the pump to red cross, please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|01:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm-ish. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | portishead really loud in europa. | ] |
My childhood home is underwater. It's not torn apart, just under 9 feet of swamp water, sitting and waiting til someone is kind enough to pump the water out. It has my heart a bit broken, but I'm still planning on moving down there once I graduate. Who am I to cry? There are people who have absolutely nothing, and worse, nowhere to go. I can talk to my family now, and friends, too, but there's nothing I can do except for send money and listen to them cry. It's not going to be the New Orleans I grew up in once I get back there next year, and I'm so far away from understanding what that will truly be like.
In the meantime, I'm still crawling back to bed with you know who. I sing songs about how that was the absolute last time, it's never going to happen ever, ever again because we are so wrong for each other, and on and oon. It's a clever way to pass time between him and what comes next.
It captures my attention, at least.
I read an entire collection of worldly folk tales yesterday. |
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| everything is salty. |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|05:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | eh. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | radiohead. | ] |
looks like I'm going to leave my house tonight. I should probably do more reading for school, but some nights I've got to fuck it and help my friend celebrate her birthday properly.
Sill haven't heard anything from my family, though I am sure they are all still alive.
I can safely say that I don't miss him. Not at any fault of his own, only because I am incredibly busy with school and work that I barely have time to think about him. I guess the trick with these things is to stay busy. Though I must admit I catch myself wishing we were driving around together sometimes....
my pony-tail is hurting my head and the coffee shop smells odd today. |
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| NEW ORLEANS IS GOING TO BE RUINED |
[Aug. 29th, 2005|12:51 am] |
| [ | music |
| | FUCKING NPR IS MAKING ME SCARED | ] |
people are going to blow away! this is terrible. there is going to be nothing left.
i will have no family, no childhood home, no dirty streets, nothing. |
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| do you know what happens when it floods during a hurricane? the drains back up. |
[Aug. 28th, 2005|10:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | not a good mood. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | npr. | ] |
and so do the swamps. alligators in back yards!
So maybe the hurricane is a little more serious than I thought. I'm actually a bit worried about the city now. Very worried. J. is really freaking out because his family lives in Picayune, Mississippi (a half hour from New Orleans on the coast) and crazy shit is going on. Fuck. |
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| meanwhile my family is either drowning or blowing away. |
[Aug. 28th, 2005|08:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | i wish i was there. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | neil young. | ] |
not sure which because I can't get ahold of any of them. I really want to get dramatic and imagine them crying and praying for a quick death behind their sand-bagged houses, or rather, trailers.
but guess what? That's not what happens in hurricanes, though the television would have you believe that. Those people driving inland, or 'north'? They aren't from Louisiana, they moved there from Texas or Arkansas. Ok, so the storm is the biggest they've seen in a long time, who the fuck has the money to drive and shelter their entire family in Lafayette or Baton Rouge? Not people in Louisiana, I'll have you know.
want too know what people in New Orleans are really doing? They are getting supremely, royally wasted in one of many, many hurricane parties around town. It's a fucking vacation! No school, no work, no power, no laws! for a few days at least. Fuck leaving town, leaving is for quitters and foreigners and for people who have common sense. |
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| i want someone to stay home with me. |
[Aug. 27th, 2005|03:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | fine. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | npr. | ] |
Papa says he won't leave New Orleans, which is not shocking considering that we never, ever leave. It's stupid as anything I do, but I can't blame him for 'being too old and tired to run from a damn storm'. That's the way to live, not giving a shit.
Or you could just leave parties fashionably early because it's impossible to feel like a worthwhile person in that setting.
It doesn't matter if it's drugs, alcohol or fucking, it all looks like shit at the end of the day.
I fell on some glass outside of the garage this morning. I was thinking about something bad, and down I went. There's no connection, really, but sometimes I wish I was more superstitious so that I could justify the cut underneath my toes.
the end. |
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| I'll just grow my hair very long to cover it up. |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|10:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | AWAKE | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the shout out louds. | ] |
I hate myself for getting that Neruda poem tattooed on my back. I love, love, love the actual tattoo, but I can't be expected to stop and stand still for every person who wants to read it. I mean, yes, it's very nice to know that people want to read it, but sometimes I'm in a hurry to catch a bus or finishing making a drink at work. Inevitably I look rude if I say I'm sorry but I don't have time to let them read it. Some even look offended that I would bother getting written word tattooed on my back if I didn't have copious time to let the world read it. |
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| nothing like a rape dream to start the day off. |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|11:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | oh shit. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | them-gloria | ] |
Not good. Everything was great, I had dinner with C. and H. (which was exactly what I needed), took a bath and drank another beer and fell asleep. All was well. I woke up crying at 2:00ish because of a new disgusting, vivid rape dream to add to my many others. Great. I haven't had one in over a year, so I guess I thought it was over. NO. No doesn't work in dreams.
I don't feel good. I think I'm getting sick. |
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| love love love love love. |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|06:32 pm] |
and guess who I talked to today?? A.G.
Yes, and so the ill-fated, never-realized love I have continues into the SIXTH YEAR. Six years, oh lord.
It was heaven. I probably talked like an idiot, but for those 10 minutes everything was how it should be.
So here's to another semester of blushing, talking, sharing smokes, etc.
Class was excellent, also. |
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| i have textbooks for sale. call me. |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|09:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mad that i can't go out. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mazzy star. | ] |
i love school. love love love. big time love.
classes are very good, but sadly there are no hot boys (or professors) in any of my classes. this is actually probably a good thing, got to keep my mind on the subject. saw a million old friends, we brought the library steps back into business after a semester or two of nothing.
so we're approaching day four of 'it's over' and it's finally caught up to me. i don't miss him like i thought i would, mostly i miss having someone to talk to for hours and hours. i'm not stupid, i know it's for the best. i just hope to god he's not fucking any of my friends now. sound shitty? well i wouldn't rule it out completely.
i'm sleepy and even though i want to go out and help Becky celebrate her birthday, i've got to get up early for a meeting and work, so it's inside the house for me tonight.
some girl walked up to me and Gann today while we were talking to tell me she thought i was hot. it made my day. |
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| and everything got better. |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|07:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | big time liar i guess. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | billy bragg. | ] |
I told a little bit of a lie. Mostly to avoid an argument or further questioning, but um, I got found out so now I've got two people to explain things to. See, the problem goes like this: I have had a couple all night talk sessions with C. who at the time had a girlfriend named J. while I was sorta with a different J. My J. used to quiz me all the time after one of these nights as to whether or not I had feelings for C., wanted to fuck him, etc. In order to avoid these conversations (because as we all know my heart belonged to J.) I said, no, no, no, in fact (here's the lie) J. doesn't like me, and C. is devoted to her so our friendship is sporadic and couldn't continue anyway because J. keeps her man on a short leash. THAT WAS MY LIE. That C.'s girlfriend didn't like me (which I am probably sure is true, but that's beside the point). The only reason I said it was to give my claim that I wasn't into C. more validation. My logic was that if C.'s girlfriend didn't like me then C. and I could barely be friends, much less anything else, thus calming my J's worries that I was fucking someone else.
Well, fuck. J. was talking to C. two nights ago and it was revealed to J. that my story had little truth to it. So now I look like a big liar.
I told a little lie to add to my claims that I wasn't interested in anyone BUT J. and look what happens.
I feel dumb.
But I'm doing really well. I had a great night last night, minus the story above and some remaining awkwardness between J. and I. It's over for real this time, I promise. |
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| um......what? |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|09:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | a matter of time. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | npr because i'm fucking boring. | ] |
It is 100% over. Over, over, over.
No details, just sad.
Went to the sugar mills last night, got frightened, hopped fences, breathed in asbestos.
Tonight I'm going to bed because everyone knows that there's nothing like sleep and a bath to mend a broken heart. We can't be apart if we see each other, but being together just won't work, it's quite a love Catch-22. Big time love. So no seeing each other, no sleepovers, no kisses, no movies, no oldies station, no driving around, no adventures, no more love. the end.
I'm A BIG FUCKING MESS.
But it always gets better, always. |
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| because it's looking like the only option. |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|09:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | oh enough. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jonathan richman-hospital | ] |
I am incredibly tired. The bath water made me light-headed so I'm not feeling completely responsible right now. I am, however, responsible enough to cancel slumber party plans with A. because I don't need to fuck another mistake into my life right now. I am going to read my books, fold my underthings into neat triangles and fall asleep.
I'm content to finish this last week of summer break not fucking up. J. and I haven't talked since Saturday morning when I left his house (minus a five minute how-are-you we had on Sunday) and I don't think we'll be talking soon. It will never be a real relationship so there's no reason to bother anymore. We'll see each other around, no hard feelings, it's just a bit disappointing.
Same goes for sleeping with certain friends-----Sometimes a few years is too long of a lead-in so by the time you finally say, fuck, let's sleep together just this once to see what it's like, it's bound to be a disappointment. Or that's what I keep telling myself to keep my mind off of him.
Or I tell boring stories about how I dropped my phone in the parking lot of a car dealership in Commerce City where D. was looking for a new car this afternoon----I didn't notice it until a half hour had passed, but the most beautiful Mexican man I've ever seen did, and for safe-keeping he picked it up and rode off on his bicycle to go fishing. Imagine every comical situation where I know no Spanish, he knows no English and we have to invent ways to communicate over the phone to meet up. D. and I went on an hour long hike trying to find him, it took 4 different Spanish speaking men to direct us to the right location. I was awe-struck when I saw him sitting on a picnic table in the woods, for a minute or so I didn't care about the phone, all I wanted was to get fucked on the table. Only that didn't happen.
So those are words and things. Hope you've enjoyed reading this. |
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| my new plan. |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|08:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | feet are sore. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | npr. | ] |
There's nothing I can do about any of this, so I'm not going to bother writing about it anymore.
With that said, today was uneventful and that's the way I like it.
Only that's a big lie.
I need to start school again. All I do is walk my dog around the neighborhood for what seems to be hours. |
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| in another time. |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|03:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | yes, well, but. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | van morrison. | ] |
Still sleeping in different rooms. Not that I really want to do anything about it at this point. We're constantly jealous and inquisitive of one another, even though we both know our time is spent together. He takes me places, we go for long drives, and the woman at the restaurant mistook me for his girlfriend. No one corrected her, but we laughed about it later. It is a bad cycle but fuck if it doesn't feel good.
I met someone today. He just moved to town and he's coming in to my store tomorrow night to talk some more. I should be excited about this, but really I'm only excited when J. calls.
I need to go out more. |
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| I smelled like almonds when I woke up. |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|11:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | not like lately. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | matisyahu. | ] |
My car is always parked outside, almost immediately after I said I'd never be there again. We completely avoid any conversation about, well, you know. I catch him looking too long, I accidentally touch his hand, but I always sleep in the other room.
I'm not sad or confused anymore. I'm not going to write how I wish it was. |
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| tired of summer. |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|09:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | irritated. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | devendra banhart-bluebird. | ] |
It's really just a countdown until school starts again. Not incredibly excited to do the same thing I've been doing there for years, but anything is better than how my recent weeks have been playing themselves out. I want to ride the 15, make small talk with A.G. and J.W., drink bitter espresso in the daily grind, etc. A good conversation is much needed, too. Been doing too much talking about who did what and how it affects me. It's making me into a person I really don't like. |
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