Alicia

farewell!

2005-09-06T02:14:20Z

emptyhanded is no more! however, the nonsense will continue at
swansongpapers

find me! add me if you loved me before!

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choking and smoking.

2005-09-02T21:24:32Z

trying very hard to avoid getting sentimental about this mess. that sort of thing I thought was reserved for old men, reminiscing of the land that used to be. certainly not for people like me. you know, never once did it cross my mind that this could ever happen. everything is gone, the people, the land, the smells, the sounds, all of it. now it's all an unmistakable shade of diseased flood water. this was my home. this was where i was moving back to next summer. and all i can do is empty my pockets, call people on the phone, and try to convince my sisters that while God is good, it doesn't matter now. it's time for people, but they are killing each other, our empty-head president is smug as usual, my family says they see no sign of federal aid, the only help coming in is from people and businesses. the government sends more guns, less food.

papa told me the most horrific things that he's seen. they don't show it on the news. faced with starvation and hopelessness, sometimes people would rather just die, so that's what they do. infront of other people. people who made the city i know as home.

i don't expect you to understand this, or even ask me how i feel. the only people who know how to talk to me about it are my family and friends from New Orleans. please don't complain to me that gas prices are soaring, people are dead. donate that money you would spend at the pump to red cross, please.

emptyhanded @ 2005-09-01T13:55:00

2005-09-01T20:12:55Z

My childhood home is underwater. It's not torn apart, just under 9 feet of swamp water, sitting and waiting til someone is kind enough to pump the water out. It has my heart a bit broken, but I'm still planning on moving down there once I graduate. Who am I to cry? There are people who have absolutely nothing, and worse, nowhere to go. I can talk to my family now, and friends, too, but there's nothing I can do except for send money and listen to them cry. It's not going to be the New Orleans I grew up in once I get back there next year, and I'm so far away from understanding what that will truly be like.

In the meantime, I'm still crawling back to bed with you know who. I sing songs about how that was the absolute last time, it's never going to happen ever, ever again because we are so wrong for each other, and on and oon. It's a clever way to pass time between him and what comes next.

It captures my attention, at least.

I read an entire collection of worldly folk tales yesterday.

everything is salty.

2005-08-30T23:19:14Z

looks like I'm going to leave my house tonight. I should probably do more reading for school, but some nights I've got to fuck it and help my friend celebrate her birthday properly.

Sill haven't heard anything from my family, though I am sure they are all still alive.

I can safely say that I don't miss him. Not at any fault of his own, only because I am incredibly busy with school and work that I barely have time to think about him. I guess the trick with these things is to stay busy. Though I must admit I catch myself wishing we were driving around together sometimes....

my pony-tail is hurting my head and the coffee shop smells odd today.

NEW ORLEANS IS GOING TO BE RUINED

2005-08-29T06:53:34Z

people are going to blow away! this is terrible. there is going to be nothing left.

i will have no family, no childhood home, no dirty streets, nothing.

do you know what happens when it floods during a hurricane? the drains back up.

2005-08-29T04:11:40Z

and so do the swamps. alligators in back yards!

So maybe the hurricane is a little more serious than I thought. I'm actually a bit worried about the city now. Very worried. J. is really freaking out because his family lives in Picayune, Mississippi (a half hour from New Orleans on the coast) and crazy shit is going on. Fuck.

meanwhile my family is either drowning or blowing away.

2005-08-29T02:44:15Z

not sure which because I can't get ahold of any of them. I really want to get dramatic and imagine them crying and praying for a quick death behind their sand-bagged houses, or rather, trailers.

but guess what? That's not what happens in hurricanes, though the television would have you believe that. Those people driving inland, or 'north'? They aren't from Louisiana, they moved there from Texas or Arkansas. Ok, so the storm is the biggest they've seen in a long time, who the fuck has the money to drive and shelter their entire family in Lafayette or Baton Rouge? Not people in Louisiana, I'll have you know.

want too know what people in New Orleans are really doing? They are getting supremely, royally wasted in one of many, many hurricane parties around town. It's a fucking vacation! No school, no work, no power, no laws! for a few days at least. Fuck leaving town, leaving is for quitters and foreigners and for people who have common sense.

i want someone to stay home with me.

2005-08-27T21:15:11Z

Papa says he won't leave New Orleans, which is not shocking considering that we never, ever leave. It's stupid as anything I do, but I can't blame him for 'being too old and tired to run from a damn storm'. That's the way to live, not giving a shit.

Or you could just leave parties fashionably early because it's impossible to feel like a worthwhile person in that setting.

It doesn't matter if it's drugs, alcohol or fucking, it all looks like shit at the end of the day.

I fell on some glass outside of the garage this morning. I was thinking about something bad, and down I went. There's no connection, really, but sometimes I wish I was more superstitious so that I could justify the cut underneath my toes.

the end.

I'll just grow my hair very long to cover it up.

2005-08-26T16:28:30Z

I hate myself for getting that Neruda poem tattooed on my back. I love, love, love the actual tattoo, but I can't be expected to stop and stand still for every person who wants to read it. I mean, yes, it's very nice to know that people want to read it, but sometimes I'm in a hurry to catch a bus or finishing making a drink at work. Inevitably I look rude if I say I'm sorry but I don't have time to let them read it. Some even look offended that I would bother getting written word tattooed on my back if I didn't have copious time to let the world read it.

nothing like a rape dream to start the day off.

2005-08-25T17:29:05Z

Not good. Everything was great, I had dinner with C. and H. (which was exactly what I needed), took a bath and drank another beer and fell asleep. All was well. I woke up crying at 2:00ish because of a new disgusting, vivid rape dream to add to my many others. Great. I haven't had one in over a year, so I guess I thought it was over. NO. No doesn't work in dreams.

I don't feel good. I think I'm getting sick.

love love love love love.

2005-08-25T00:36:20Z

and guess who I talked to today?? A.G.

Yes, and so the ill-fated, never-realized love I have continues into the SIXTH YEAR. Six years, oh lord.

It was heaven. I probably talked like an idiot, but for those 10 minutes everything was how it should be.

So here's to another semester of blushing, talking, sharing smokes, etc.

Class was excellent, also.

i have textbooks for sale. call me.

2005-08-23T03:43:11Z

i love school. love love love. big time love.

classes are very good, but sadly there are no hot boys (or professors) in any of my classes. this is actually probably a good thing, got to keep my mind on the subject. saw a million old friends, we brought the library steps back into business after a semester or two of nothing.

so we're approaching day four of 'it's over' and it's finally caught up to me. i don't miss him like i thought i would, mostly i miss having someone to talk to for hours and hours. i'm not stupid, i know it's for the best. i just hope to god he's not fucking any of my friends now. sound shitty? well i wouldn't rule it out completely.

i'm sleepy and even though i want to go out and help Becky celebrate her birthday, i've got to get up early for a meeting and work, so it's inside the house for me tonight.

some girl walked up to me and Gann today while we were talking to tell me she thought i was hot. it made my day.

and everything got better.

2005-08-22T01:37:42Z

I told a little bit of a lie. Mostly to avoid an argument or further questioning, but um, I got found out so now I've got two people to explain things to. See, the problem goes like this: I have had a couple all night talk sessions with C. who at the time had a girlfriend named J. while I was sorta with a different J. My J. used to quiz me all the time after one of these nights as to whether or not I had feelings for C., wanted to fuck him, etc. In order to avoid these conversations (because as we all know my heart belonged to J.) I said, no, no, no, in fact (here's the lie) J. doesn't like me, and C. is devoted to her so our friendship is sporadic and couldn't continue anyway because J. keeps her man on a short leash. THAT WAS MY LIE. That C.'s girlfriend didn't like me (which I am probably sure is true, but that's beside the point). The only reason I said it was to give my claim that I wasn't into C. more validation. My logic was that if C.'s girlfriend didn't like me then C. and I could barely be friends, much less anything else, thus calming my J's worries that I was fucking someone else.

Well, fuck. J. was talking to C. two nights ago and it was revealed to J. that my story had little truth to it. So now I look like a big liar.

I told a little lie to add to my claims that I wasn't interested in anyone BUT J. and look what happens.

I feel dumb.

But I'm doing really well. I had a great night last night, minus the story above and some remaining awkwardness between J. and I. It's over for real this time, I promise.

um......what?

2005-08-20T04:02:58Z

It is 100% over. Over, over, over.

No details, just sad.

Went to the sugar mills last night, got frightened, hopped fences, breathed in asbestos.

Tonight I'm going to bed because everyone knows that there's nothing like sleep and a bath to mend a broken heart. We can't be apart if we see each other, but being together just won't work, it's quite a love Catch-22. Big time love. So no seeing each other, no sleepovers, no kisses, no movies, no oldies station, no driving around, no adventures, no more love. the end.

I'm A BIG FUCKING MESS.

But it always gets better, always.

i have nothing to do because i have to get up really early.

2005-08-20T03:53:55Z

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet _knittin_kitten? Through Claudia and Heather.
2.~What would you do if you had never met claudiagarcia? I would not have a voice of reason in my life. She is a good friend. and she's hot, too.
3.~What do you honestly think of hardly_art_23? I have known her for years, we aren't very close but she's rad.
4.~Would or did thesmithsrock and etienne_twombly go out? I doubt they even know each other.
5.~Have you ever liked schoolgirlcharm? Yes, we bonded over being ex-girlfriends of a certain Jason.
6.~If velvet_silence died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? he's my best friend. stop using all my hair wax. that's t wo things.
7.~Would milemarker and theonlyremedy make a good couple? no way. they are good friends though.
8.~Describe iamthelioness in 3 words: seriously haven't seen her in a year. don't know her too well.
9.~Do you think farfromruin is hot? yes. we were very very good friends for years but nothing has ever happened.
10.~Would velvet_silence and leavesturninyou make a lovely couple? haha, two ex-boyfriends? hm.
11.~What do you think of when you see etienne_twombly? nice glasses.
12.~Tell me something humiliating about theonlyremedy: i have a picture of him and taylor when they were 16. not really humiliating, but maybe a little embarrassing.
13.~Do you know any of bruisedlikeyou's family members? yes, taylor is a close friend.
14.~What's i2hadpotential's favorite color? blue
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is sarah_silence? haven't seen her in a long time, but i remember her being cute.
16.~What would you do if bleedplaid just professed their undying love for you? whoa. um, thank her?
17.~What language does thesmithsrock speak? english and beer.
18.~Who is delphinus_xpose going out with? I have no idea
19.~Is mrbilgram a boy or a girl? boy
20.~Would ddizzle and bleedplaid make a good couple? hm, maybe. i could see it happening.
21.~Who do you think kubrickkitty would be great with from this list? nicole needs someone that no one knows. i love her.
22.~When was the last time you talked to farfromruin? two weeks ago at the gas station. we talked about smoking pot.
23.~What is schoolgirlcharm's favorite band? I have no idea.
24.~Does milemarker have any siblings? ? ? ?
25.~Would you ever date bruisedlikeyou? i would kiss her.
26.~Would you ever date iamthelioness? no
27.~Is kubrickkitty single? yes, and fabulous.
28.~What is i2hadpotential's last name? Martinez
29.~What is ddizzle's middle name? ?
30~What is hardly_art_23's fantasy? ?
31.~Where does mrbilgram live? Denver now, after many years of exile in Boulder
32.~Would you make out with _knittin_kitten? I like her tons, but seriously I'm into boys.
33.~Are claudiagarcia and bruisedlikeyou best friends? nope, but they would probably like each other.
34.~Does iamthelioness like i2hadpotential? I don't think so.
35.~How did you meet ddizzle? at a party at Jess's old house. I was dressed like Cleopatra.
36.~Is farfromruin older than you? yes, 2 years I think.
37.~Is leavesturninyou the sexiest person alive? haha, I thought so once upon a time.

because it's looking like the only option.

2005-08-16T04:11:15Z

I am incredibly tired. The bath water made me light-headed so I'm not feeling completely responsible right now. I am, however, responsible enough to cancel slumber party plans with A. because I don't need to fuck another mistake into my life right now. I am going to read my books, fold my underthings into neat triangles and fall asleep.

I'm content to finish this last week of summer break not fucking up. J. and I haven't talked since Saturday morning when I left his house (minus a five minute how-are-you we had on Sunday) and I don't think we'll be talking soon. It will never be a real relationship so there's no reason to bother anymore. We'll see each other around, no hard feelings, it's just a bit disappointing.

Same goes for sleeping with certain friends-----Sometimes a few years is too long of a lead-in so by the time you finally say, fuck, let's sleep together just this once to see what it's like, it's bound to be a disappointment. Or that's what I keep telling myself to keep my mind off of him.

Or I tell boring stories about how I dropped my phone in the parking lot of a car dealership in Commerce City where D. was looking for a new car this afternoon----I didn't notice it until a half hour had passed, but the most beautiful Mexican man I've ever seen did, and for safe-keeping he picked it up and rode off on his bicycle to go fishing. Imagine every comical situation where I know no Spanish, he knows no English and we have to invent ways to communicate over the phone to meet up. D. and I went on an hour long hike trying to find him, it took 4 different Spanish speaking men to direct us to the right location. I was awe-struck when I saw him sitting on a picnic table in the woods, for a minute or so I didn't care about the phone, all I wanted was to get fucked on the table. Only that didn't happen.

So those are words and things. Hope you've enjoyed reading this.

my new plan.

2005-08-15T03:00:15Z

There's nothing I can do about any of this, so I'm not going to bother writing about it anymore.

With that said, today was uneventful and that's the way I like it.

Only that's a big lie.

I need to start school again. All I do is walk my dog around the neighborhood for what seems to be hours.

in another time.

2005-08-13T21:27:23Z

Still sleeping in different rooms. Not that I really want to do anything about it at this point. We're constantly jealous and inquisitive of one another, even though we both know our time is spent together. He takes me places, we go for long drives, and the woman at the restaurant mistook me for his girlfriend. No one corrected her, but we laughed about it later. It is a bad cycle but fuck if it doesn't feel good.

I met someone today. He just moved to town and he's coming in to my store tomorrow night to talk some more. I should be excited about this, but really I'm only excited when J. calls.

I need to go out more.

I smelled like almonds when I woke up.

2005-08-12T17:56:02Z

My car is always parked outside, almost immediately after I said I'd never be there again. We completely avoid any conversation about, well, you know. I catch him looking too long, I accidentally touch his hand, but I always sleep in the other room.

I'm not sad or confused anymore. I'm not going to write how I wish it was.

tired of summer.

2005-08-10T16:07:53Z

It's really just a countdown until school starts again. Not incredibly excited to do the same thing I've been doing there for years, but anything is better than how my recent weeks have been playing themselves out. I want to ride the 15, make small talk with A.G. and J.W., drink bitter espresso in the daily grind, etc. A good conversation is much needed, too. Been doing too much talking about who did what and how it affects me. It's making me into a person I really don't like.

good morning.

2005-08-08T13:33:42Z

I am officially erasing this weekend from my memory. That's hard to do when he calls at 2am for unknown reasons. I am tired of doing everything by myself, seems like I've got to make some serious changes so as to not find myself in this position again.

I've been sleeping with NPR on, hoping that maybe I can catch up on the news while I'm asleep. I know that it doesn't work that way, but it makes a little noise in an otherwise silent house.

things are not fun. no wait, yes they are.

2005-08-04T05:16:58Z

I keep running back and forth between screaming and crying and being perfectly fine. Every hour on the hour I spend a few minutes thinking about the lies and time I wasted. I get angry and yell a little, then I get upset, then I start to get rational and smoke a cigarette and begin to feel better for fifty or so minutes.

It's not because it's officially, completely and totally over (though I do miss him a little), it's that I'm finding out from various people the lies he told, or the secrets he divulged. I am paranoid. Lies and fucking secrets, all over the place. Not really, but enough to make me cry.

I need to start going out again. I need to hire someone to sleep in my bed with me and braid my hair while listening to me go over and over and over all the same shit. I almost asked H. (who has been SO good to me) if I could stay there tonight, just so I wouldn't have to be alone. Then I remembered that my puppy probably needs me to sleep with her, even if she can't braid my hair.

Take me out and get me drunk tomorrow, ok?

a little from column a.

2005-08-03T06:54:57Z

So he was thinking the same thing? What the hell does that mean? Does it mean that he knows he's being an asshole, does it mean he's sorry, or does it mean that he simply doesn't want to deal with any of this? My guess is the last one, which is exactly why I don't want him in my life.

Tonight L. came over and sat around with Dave and I. Even though they both helped to take my mind off of the awful situation I've created I couldn't help but think that neither of them would have ever given me an answer like J. did. Thinking the same thing? No fucking explanation. At first I thought I wanted an apology, but now I know that what I really want is everything J. wasn't giving me. I never once felt any sort of love from him like the way I felt when L. hugged me goodbye----nothing awkward there, just two friends who love each other and I never feel unsure about how L. or D. feel about me because they let me know in everything we say and do.

I do not want to be alone. I keep thinking about what H. and I always talk about-----we both know how they do it, you feel perfect at first, but by this point they have made you feel like no one else really cares, it is everyone else who talks shit, and you are inadequate compared to every other girl in town. I can't believe I was actually at this place. I did it again.

I'm going to bed with a heavy head tonight. I want to scream and get back that person I was at the beginning of the summer, but that doesn't happen overnight. I hate sleeping alone now, but looks like I've got some of that to do before anything can get better.

emptyhanded @ 2005-08-02T20:39:00

2005-08-03T02:46:48Z

It's time to start going out again.

I can't see him anymore, it's breaking my heart and making me annoying. My friends keep calling to ask where I've been. I wish I could tell them everything has been fine, we're doing very well, but in reality I am becoming very depressed and angry. He's never going to change and I will continue to deal with someone who is at once the most loving person and the coldest. It's enough to make anyone sad.

Papa and I drove up to the mountains today, we listened to my Devendra Banhart records and played in streams. It was all beautiful and a much needed break fromo the city, but my J. problems made my mind so fuzzy that I couldn't properly enjoy the day. These things should not be difficult. In fact, shouldn't the boy I love be there?

This is no good.

emptyhanded @ 2005-07-30T21:18:00

2005-07-31T03:23:22Z

aside from that little problem, my life is perfect.

papa is in town, we were drinking beers and singing earlier tonight. he is really old, he'll be 70 in a couple of years, but he still rocks hard. he has a belt that his friend pete made for him that says "COOL BOB" all around it. it is incredible. he was wearing a shirt earlier that just said "BOB" on in it, in case anyone was what his name was.

just about to leave the house, i need to head back to denver and take myself a bath and sew up j.'s pants.

it's hot as hell